Not in a good place

And then it's 2am and I'm sat in bed listening to the saddest songs I have in my computer hoping no one finds me awake cause I do have to be up at 7am for classes. And my air conditioner just turned itself off and I'm seeing how long I can stay without needing it on again (it's not gonna be long, it's BOILING in here). And I'm writing. I'm writing because I'm crying like I always do when I feel overwhelmed and want to stop time. And I'm writing because there isn't anyone that I think I can talk to, so I'll talk to you. I mean, I could talk to my parents but they are asleep and I can't wait till tomorrow and I don't think they'd understand it all, even thought they are incredibly supportive.

Anyway, I guess I haven't even gotten to the subject yet. Perhaps because I'm not even sure I have a specific topic to talk about.

(That's it, the aircon is coming back NOW. Can't handle the heat anymore)

As I mentioned, I feel overwhelmed. And I can never handle with it when it happens. You know, I usually get like this when there's too much happening and I have too much to do and even though I know if I get organised I'll be able to do everything, I shut down and can't do nothing because I feel too much to know how to cope.

Let's star with Uni. I don't know if you know this, but I'm an Advertising major. It's pretty nice, I enjoy it. It's not at all what I want to do for the rest of my life tho. I wanna major at filmmaking, which is not an optional major at my current uni and I didn't study enough to get into the one that does have it, and might I add, is public so no need to pay for it, I just needed to get my fucking bum on a desk and study. And why didn't I? Because I felt like it didn't matter where/what I studied, cause as long as I lived in Brazil, I'd never be truly happy. This feeling is still here, it's always here, and as long as I live here it's gonna stop me from being truly happy even on the good days.

The worst thing? I almost had it. I was gonna study filmmaking at my all time favourite city for 6 months starting in January. And then, after letting me plan and dream with everything, I was told we did not have the money to send me.

So again, that's always in my mind, even if I'm in a good day, because now I'm dreading next year already, yet another year studying something I do not want to study, somewhere I do not want to be.

But this isn't immediately bugging me.

What's immediately bugging me is the fact that I failed my driving test.

I'm not even that upset about it, even though I did think I was gonna pass, and seeing as I'm pretty hard on myself, that's saying something. But I didn't think the mistakes I did were big enough to make me fail. Apparently, they were.

What I hate about this tho is the fact that having to take the test again and extra classes is SO FREAKING EXPENSIVE. Really, how did SpongeBob manage to pay for everything just working at Krusty Krab?

The problem is, it's not my money. It's my parents.

They really don't mind, but I really do. They already pay for my college education, which they weren't going to if I had just studied. And now they have to pay so much more because I failed AGAIN. As soon as I got the results I started regretting every single purchase I made recently, even if I was really excited about everything.

All tests are on Saturday, and I had to schedule mine for the 12th of November, because there were no days to have classes before this week, which keep in mind is gonna be THE busiest week of my entire existence, because I have three final projects and two final tests at Uni. Yup, life's great.

If only I had nothing until then, but there isn't a week in between that I do not have another project or test. And on top of it all, I've got my music presentation on November 30th and I do love it and am super excited, but I do have rehearsals and I need to practice.

And I know, deep down I know I can actually make time for all that, but because it's so much I think there isn't enough time and I just procastinate which makes me even more stressed because I then think I really won't have time to do it all.

And I bet you're all saying I should just start doing everything and I agree but my mind does not get it. I do not know how to be one of those very productive people when it comes to stuff I'm not excited for. I just can't.

I don't even know why I'm writing all this and I bet no one's even reading it but you see, I do not have a friend to talk to it about. Not one that I feel like I can, that I feel like they'd understand me.

I don't even need someone to understand, I just need someone that I could text at this hour and know that, even if they're not awake, they'd reply as soon as they do.

And that I could call or meet and have them tell me it's gonna be alright, and hug me and just help me get through.

Though I'm sure my mom would do it, we all need friends. True friends, not classmates or average friends. Real, soulmate, 'gets you with just a look' type of friends.

And I don't have one. I have no one. And that is probably the biggest reason why I'm now still crying whilst listening to sad music writing this huge ass thing 50 minutes after I got started.

And generally I'm at possibly the happiest place I've been ever since the beginning of High School.

But sometimes you have bad days.

You have days, or even weeks in which you don't feel good enough not even to have someone at your side who loves you because they chose to, weeks that you just don't think you're good enough for it, that everything sucks and you don't know what to do because you don't feel like doing anything, you just feel like sleeping forever and only waking up when you know things are gonna be okay.

They're not okay now.

I'm not okay.

I should be okay. I am extremely blessed with so much in my life and there isn't one reason why I'd be like this.

But I just don't feel okay.