Not in a good place

And then it's 2am and I'm sat in bed listening to the saddest songs I have in my computer hoping no one finds me awake cause I do have to be up at 7am for classes. And my air conditioner just turned itself off and I'm seeing how long I can stay without needing it on again (it's not gonna be long, it's BOILING in here). And I'm writing. I'm writing because I'm crying like I always do when I feel overwhelmed and want to stop time. And I'm writing because there isn't anyone that I think I can talk to, so I'll talk to you. I mean, I could talk to my parents but they are asleep and I can't wait till tomorrow and I don't think they'd understand it all, even thought they are incredibly supportive.

Anyway, I guess I haven't even gotten to the subject yet. Perhaps because I'm not even sure I have a specific topic to talk about.

(That's it, the aircon is coming back NOW. Can't handle the heat anymore)

As I mentioned, I feel overwhelmed. And I can never handle with it when it happens. You know, I usually get like this when there's too much happening and I have too much to do and even though I know if I get organised I'll be able to do everything, I shut down and can't do nothing because I feel too much to know how to cope.

Let's star with Uni. I don't know if you know this, but I'm an Advertising major. It's pretty nice, I enjoy it. It's not at all what I want to do for the rest of my life tho. I wanna major at filmmaking, which is not an optional major at my current uni and I didn't study enough to get into the one that does have it, and might I add, is public so no need to pay for it, I just needed to get my fucking bum on a desk and study. And why didn't I? Because I felt like it didn't matter where/what I studied, cause as long as I lived in Brazil, I'd never be truly happy. This feeling is still here, it's always here, and as long as I live here it's gonna stop me from being truly happy even on the good days.

The worst thing? I almost had it. I was gonna study filmmaking at my all time favourite city for 6 months starting in January. And then, after letting me plan and dream with everything, I was told we did not have the money to send me.

So again, that's always in my mind, even if I'm in a good day, because now I'm dreading next year already, yet another year studying something I do not want to study, somewhere I do not want to be.

But this isn't immediately bugging me.

What's immediately bugging me is the fact that I failed my driving test.

I'm not even that upset about it, even though I did think I was gonna pass, and seeing as I'm pretty hard on myself, that's saying something. But I didn't think the mistakes I did were big enough to make me fail. Apparently, they were.

What I hate about this tho is the fact that having to take the test again and extra classes is SO FREAKING EXPENSIVE. Really, how did SpongeBob manage to pay for everything just working at Krusty Krab?

The problem is, it's not my money. It's my parents.

They really don't mind, but I really do. They already pay for my college education, which they weren't going to if I had just studied. And now they have to pay so much more because I failed AGAIN. As soon as I got the results I started regretting every single purchase I made recently, even if I was really excited about everything.

All tests are on Saturday, and I had to schedule mine for the 12th of November, because there were no days to have classes before this week, which keep in mind is gonna be THE busiest week of my entire existence, because I have three final projects and two final tests at Uni. Yup, life's great.

If only I had nothing until then, but there isn't a week in between that I do not have another project or test. And on top of it all, I've got my music presentation on November 30th and I do love it and am super excited, but I do have rehearsals and I need to practice.

And I know, deep down I know I can actually make time for all that, but because it's so much I think there isn't enough time and I just procastinate which makes me even more stressed because I then think I really won't have time to do it all.

And I bet you're all saying I should just start doing everything and I agree but my mind does not get it. I do not know how to be one of those very productive people when it comes to stuff I'm not excited for. I just can't.

I don't even know why I'm writing all this and I bet no one's even reading it but you see, I do not have a friend to talk to it about. Not one that I feel like I can, that I feel like they'd understand me.

I don't even need someone to understand, I just need someone that I could text at this hour and know that, even if they're not awake, they'd reply as soon as they do.

And that I could call or meet and have them tell me it's gonna be alright, and hug me and just help me get through.

Though I'm sure my mom would do it, we all need friends. True friends, not classmates or average friends. Real, soulmate, 'gets you with just a look' type of friends.

And I don't have one. I have no one. And that is probably the biggest reason why I'm now still crying whilst listening to sad music writing this huge ass thing 50 minutes after I got started.

And generally I'm at possibly the happiest place I've been ever since the beginning of High School.

But sometimes you have bad days.

You have days, or even weeks in which you don't feel good enough not even to have someone at your side who loves you because they chose to, weeks that you just don't think you're good enough for it, that everything sucks and you don't know what to do because you don't feel like doing anything, you just feel like sleeping forever and only waking up when you know things are gonna be okay.

They're not okay now.

I'm not okay.

I should be okay. I am extremely blessed with so much in my life and there isn't one reason why I'd be like this.

But I just don't feel okay.

Music Favourites | January 2016

Sooo, if you watch my videos, you probably know that I can ramble on and on during my 'Favourites' videos, specially when I get to the music part.

Therefore, since it's been ages since I last did one of those, I decided to put my song favourites on here instead, so you don't get extremely bored by the time I start talking about them.

First, let's start with my boys, One Direction. They released their fifth album, Made In The A.M in November and I can say that, if it weren't for my deep love for Take Me Home, I'd say this is their best album so far. It shows how they've grown as artists and I'm extremely glad they left such awesome music for us to listen to while they're on this well deserved break.

It's safe to say I love it all, but I do have some songs I'm cherishing the most, such as History (aka the fandom's anthem), A.M, End Of The Day, Long Way Down and Perfect.

Next in line is my idol, Demi. Can I just say first how proud I am of her? She's become such a powerful woman and an even bigger inspiration. I'm just loving this new fase, it's definitely my favourite. And to accompany this, she released Confident, and oh boy, is it good.

I love absolutely EVERY SINGLE SONG in it, no joke. But since I always choose my top songs, here I go. With no doubt my favourite song of the album has got to be Stone Cold, specially considering how much passion she puts in it when she's performing it live. Then, other favourites are Confident, Waitin For You, Lionheart, Mr. Hughes and Father. And if you're a Lovatic like me, the last one needs no explanation to why it's on this list.

To take my favourite artists out of the way, aka the ones I'm such a fan of, we've got my boy, Ed Sheeran. I know, I know, his album Multiply came out ages ago, but more recently he released the Wembley version of it, and on the bonus tracks we got the studio version of New York, and that is such a beautiful song I cried my eyes out the first time I heard it. Don't even know why, I just did.

Now onto a song that we don't have in an album, but it is available for purchase. If you know me you know I have a slight obsession with the Fletchers, specially Carrie, who recently moved in with her boyfriend Pete. And to announce it, they did this gorgeous video and recorded this gorgeous song that you can watch here. I mean, it speaks for itself really.

Let's carry on now with probably the most awarded singer at the moment, miss Adele. She came back to the industry this year with her album 25, which I haven't listened to yet. I loved Adele when she was around but I've started having some issues with her after singing only three of her songs (the ones that already played EVERYWHERE) for a year and a half on my singing lessons. But she came back and, after deciding to give her a go, she showed me why her songs play everywhere. Having only listened to three of the songs on her album I can say I enjoy all of them. So maybe I should buy the rest of the album after all. Anyway, When We Were Young filled me with a nostalgic feeling and I completely adore it, in fact, I thought it must be the best song on her entire album, that is, until I heard All I Ask. This was yet another song that I balled my eyes out and still wanna cry every time I listen to it.

Now we have miss Selena Gomez, and her album Revival. Although I did pre-order it, it wasn't until mid December that I actually listened to it, and let me tell you, what have artists been doing lately to make us love every song on their albums? I'm completely obsessed with it, specially Hands To Myself (including the video. Niall Horan, you better be careful cause that might be me during this break of yours, just saying), Kill 'Em With Kindness, Me & My Girls, Nobody and Perfect.

And last but not least I have the most unexpected favourite of all times, Justin Bieber. Having never even liked him (however knowing every word to his famous hits, but never admitting it) he has been kind of a guilty pleasure since his Boyfriend era, when I fell in love with his song Nothing Like Us. But I'd never actually listen to his songs, until Purpose came out. Let me tell you: I'm obsessed.

I listen to it almost every day and I love it. Seriously, if you never thought to ever like JB, listen to this album, cause I didn't like him either. I love it so much, I can't even contain myself when his songs start playing in public places. It seems my guilty pleasure will be discovered in no time.

My favourite songs from it include, obviously, What Do You Mean, Sorry and Where Are U Now, but I didn't wanna talk about the singles, so I'm gonna list my other favourites. Such as The Feeling, Love Yourself (this even has Ed in it, I mean, I was doomed to love it) and Company. I believe a top three is enough.

Anyway, see why it'd take me at least an hour long video to talk about them?

If you're interested in listening to these, I made a Spotify playlist that you can check below to listen to every song I talked about that are available in it (damn it Adele).

Sorry for the incredibly long post, but I do hope you check 'em out.

Lots of love xx

-N