Anxiety

And then anxiety hit me. And as someone who's struggled with depression for at least five years, I should know how to deal with it. But I don't.
With my depression, I know how it works. I know how to feel a crisis coming, know how to cope with it and know what to do or try to do to make it get somewhat better. But, even if everywhere you go there's people describing anxiety and talking about it, I don't know how to cope with it. It's all still relatively knew for me to fully understand it and have ways to make it feel better.
Hell, I don't even know if what I have IS anxiety. It could be something else. It could be just regular nerves (though, having a history with mental health, it sure doesn't feel that way).
The thing is, I don't know what to do. And yes, I should seek out a therapist and work on that. Find out what it truly is and how to properly deal with it, and while I'm at it, get professional help for my depression too.
But it's scary. It's scary talking to someone you don't know about your deepest darkest thoughts.
I used to think it would be easier. Easier talking to someone who didn't know me, someone I couldn't scare away with my demons.
But I don't think so anymore.

Looking back on 2017's resolutions

I was never one to make New Year's Resolutions. I just never thought twice about them and every year I'd bash on the whole "New Year" malarkey. But last year, I decided to do something different.

I decided to ditch the "New Year, New Me" bullshit, forget about the feeling that as soon as January 1st kicks in my life's gonna change (one of the many reasons why I can't stand these celebrations) and actually try to achieve some things.

And I kind of did.

Last year I set myself an amount of goals/resolutions that range from the most random and specific ones to the most deep and broad, but something they all had in common was that 1) I actually wanted to achieve them and 2) I felt like I could actually achieve them.

What really surprised me was the fact that the most practical ones were the ones I didn't end up doing, but the health related and the ones that required more of a change from my daily life were the ones that made their way into my habits. So, y'know, I'd say I've done pretty great.

Therefore I thought it'd be nice for me to share with you all my resolutions and which ones I did or didn't do, as well as how was it all.

Last year I divided them into Life and Reading/Channel, so let's go!

My first two resolutions were music related, the first one being Play the piano again, and the second one being to Sing whatever I fancy. I don't know if you know this about me, but I've always been a very musical person. From the age of 8 until I was 13, I had piano lessons, and after quitting for stupid reasons (teenage fuss), I never really got back into it. Therefore, I thought 2017 was the year for me to do it, and I wanted to not only play again but to also have lessons cause I had forgotten most things.

And I did! In April I quit my guitar lessons (not really relevant atm) and decided to star piano ones instead, and I did really like to be back into it, however as of right now, I'm thinking of quitting, simply for the fact that I've wholeheartedly realised that my full musical love is in singing.

What made me come to this conclusion was precisely the fact that I went with my resolution and finally decided to sing what I've always wanted to, but didn't for fear of not being able to sing them in lessons like I sang them at home. But halfway through the year, I had to change teachers cause my previous one was moving out of town, and let me tell you, the new one was THE one for me. I knew her already but we just clicked instantly, and she managed to make me finally let go of some of my shyness and just belt it out. And that made me always get SO excited for lessons, that the piano ones kind of just felt a bit 'meh'. One of my biggest achievements of the year was, in fact, singing Christina Aguilera at the end of year presentation. It felt like a dream come true.

My third and forth resolutions also go together and they were to Get my 1st job which would help me Save money. The first one did not end up happening, which made the latter a bit more difficult.

My fifth goal last year was to Use my Bullet Journal and I used it sooo much, I got addicted to it (if you wanna know how last year's looked btw, just click here, I did a flip through).

My next two were health related, being to Be healthier and to Be happier (which is just another way of saying "be mentally healthier"). I do think I've progressed a lot in these areas, however they're not really measurable for me to be able to chat you through them. But I will say, I did start doing some other form of workout besides my pilates AND in September I became a vegetarian!

My last ones are more random, but I've had this blank wall in my room ever since the renovation in October 2015 and it was about time I did something with it. Didn't happen tho.

Lastly, another very simple one, to try out watercolour, also didn't end up happening, but oh well.

(I did have another one, but I was kind of on the fence about it even when it came up, and it was to go back to figure skating. Did not happen as well).

And seen as this post is incredibly long, I'll see you tomorrow with how I've done on my bookish/channel ones!

Love ya

xx

Six of Crows | Book Review

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

“This isn’t a job for trained soldiers and spies. It’s a job for thugs and thieves.”

First of all, I think we should get one thing out of the way: I’m absolutely and utterly in love with this book. What a fantastic plot and characters we had the pleasure to be introduced to by Leigh Bardugo.

Second of all, let me get started on saying I have not read the Grisha trilogy (although I would love to know more about the Grisha world, I am quite worried I'll be disappointed like everyone else), so I did not know what to expect from this world and I was simply blown away by all the country differences and peculiarities that made them all incredibly unique.

But enough about that, let's talk about Six of Crows.

The book is about this group of six characters who are hired to retrieve a very valuable asset from probably the most secured and protected, impossible to break into, place in the entire land. And that's all I'm gonna say about the plot.

I don’t think I can even put into words how much I enjoyed this from the very start. Bardugo takes us on the most amazing journey, filled with twists and turns and awesome unexpected events that keep you at the edge of your seat. It is incredibly action packed and a total page turner, which I read during a trip and whenever I went exploring the city this book was all I could think about. Plus, it is accompanied by not the most morally correct characters, however that you just can’t help but root for. And probably the biggest reason why we get so invested in those characters is because we get to read from all of their perspectives (that’s also a HUGE factor of why I loved this book so much).

So let's talk about those.

“A gambler, a convict, a wayward son, a lost Grisha, a Suli girl who had become a killer, a boy from the Barrel who had become something worse.”

I think most people can agree with me on the fact that Kaz Brekker is the most amazing, incredibly unpredictable, swoon worthy bastard to ever exist and the fact that we readers get to understand him more than the people in the book just made me extremely overprotective of him.

The rest of his crew tho is equally as amazing.

Inej is definitely my second favourite one, although as I said I love them all. I'm extremely happy that we got yet another strong willed female badass with outstanding skills but never without the most beautiful heart, that felt so connected to life and made me have her as probably the one I rooted for the most.

Then we've got Jesper, the biggest gambler in all the land, that I couldn't help but wanna scream at whenever he unintentionally screwed up (poor guy, he's so aloof he makes feel for him).

Nina, the most beautiful and fierceful of the crew, badass and just so amazing to read about.

Wylan, perhaps the most human of them all, that brings such light to the plot and that I couldn't help but love.

And lastly we have Matthias, the one I was lest keen about for most of the book but regardless he was an awesome person to read about, whom by the end I was rooting for too.

Even though the plot is so incredible, this book wouldn't be what it is without all these unique characters, that bring so many different aspects to this incredible story. And Leigh Bardugo made sure you could know exactly whose point of view you were reading from since all of them had such different voices.

So please do yourself a favor and go pick up this amazing book :)